Editorial Critiques - last batch!

Whilst we VERY eagerly await for the winner of New Voices 2011 to be announced at 12 noon GMT, here’s the last (super bumper) batch of editorial critiques!

Finding Love at Erie's Edge by Marcy Bassett-Kennedy

• This entry has such a fresh, fun writing style, which, along with realistic dialogue and sparky banter between her hero and heroine, caught our eye immediately.

• This really starts to shine through mid-way through the chapter and our main advice would be to get there earlier! There is too much narrative and description in the opening (particularly about the air con!) which slows the pace of the story and risks losing readers’ engagement before it really gets going!

• The fish-out-of-water, city girl in the country theme is very popular but is also fairly traditional and Marcy needs to think about how she is going to execute it in an original, unpredictable way.

Tall, Dark and Troublesome by Leigh Alexander

• Wow – you know how to pen one very hot hero! Plenty of dialogue in the opening makes this chapter sparky and fast paced.

• There a couple of clichés creeping in from time to time, particularly in the way the hero is described, chopping wood, flicking back his wet hair etc, this could be toned down a notch to keep with the otherwise contemporary feel of the chapter.

• Some intriguing emotional dilemmas are introduced at the end and this is what we would encourage you to build on – the emotional intensity. Also it’s always worth keeping an eye out that the focus stays on the hero and heroine, rather than siblings and secondary characters.

Once Upon a Time by Romy Sommer

• This was such a thoroughly enjoyable entry. We loved the fairy tale beginning and the twist as the heroine was pulled into the board meeting. Michael was absolutely gorgeous from the very first moment as well – having him act officially as a PA added to his sense of mystery and you’ve also included some great hints as to potential conflict coming up as the story continues.

• The setting and storyline was also well chosen to push your characters together – the only thing we’d say is that working together to organise an event is quite a traditional formula. Having said that, the freshness of your voice will help you to put a new spin on it, providing the characters continue to surprise us.

• Katie’s character, although attractive, did run the risk of feeling a little stereotypical – this is often a difficulty when a character is in part defined by strong political or economical beliefs. Going forward, would suggest just being careful that she remains unique and not too good, as a heroine who is a bit too perfect can be harder to sympathise with. Essentially, however, you have a great voice and this was a strong contender!

Better Than Chocolate by Libby Mercer

• This was one of the best set ups we read – it was so funny and immediately highlighted the heroine’s conflict while being totally unpredictable (for curious readers, the heroine opens the story while stuck in a swanky hotel bathroom!). It also gave you a great way to introduce the hero with a bit of mystery – we couldn’t wait to find out who owned that sexy voice!

• However, as this chapter went on, the interaction between the hero and heroine began to feel less natural. Theo felt a little too open and eager – it felt to us as though she’d already captured his heart in that first moment, which had the effect of reducing the delicious tension which comes when the hero isn’t as available. They seemed to settle into quite intimate, almost cosy conversation in a way that didn’t feel that believable.

• We think you’ve certainly got potential, but would advise in this case going back and looking at the characters, considering what is keeping them apart and making certain that this is coming across in the dialogue, as well as reworking the hero to make certain that he’s staying in character as an alpha, delicious guy who will challenge the heroine to step out of her comfort zone!

Her Own Worst Enemy by Julie Docherty

• The feisty heroine, Rachel, really stood out in this entry. It was great to see her bite back after her boss’s sexist comments and we felt instant sympathy with this woman who fights hard to present a polished front to the world. There is also a lovely witty tone throughout, which resulted in some great one-liners and is certainly something to keep developing in your writing.

• However, whereas we felt instant sympathy with the heroine, Danny came across as a bit rude; his prejudice against her seemed motivated mostly by her good looks – what would be great is to see that hero challenging her expectations by showing how different he is from the men she’s known. However, by exhibiting similar prejudices to Clive, it was hard to keep sympathy with him.

• We’d therefore suggest taking another look at this chapter and making sure that Danny doesn’t seem at all prejudiced – consider what else might cause conflict between them, after all it seems as though they are two quite different people, with loads of potential for rubbing each other up the wrong way!

Out of Time by Margery Scott

• This is a fantastic beginning. Right from the start, the reader is hooked into the story. There is a great sense of foreboding that crept into Amanda’s seemingly ‘normal’ life and made something so simple as a shopping trip really quite sinister.

• However, the chapter doesn’t quite maintain the momentum of such an intriguing start throughout. The middle of the story is in danger of losing its sense of immediacy in too much detail and narrative. Could Amanda’s conversation with the police chief be shortened perhaps? At the end of the chapter the suspense returns and the reader is left wanting more, so it’s just a case of working on the middle section to keep the reader absolutely hooked!

• What we’d also say here is that you’ve got two great characters, however the focus is more on the plot than on developing their relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in all the exciting intrigue of the plot but the key element should be the romance! It would be great to see Amanda and Josh interacting earlier in the chapter and the give the readers a taste of the intense emotions and sizzling chemistry between them.

A Stranger in Time by Melinda Bechus

• The paranormal genre is so popular now and it is great to read one set in South Africa, as this is such a fresh and interesting setting. The reader doesn’t know exactly who or, most importantly, what your hero is and it is exciting to see that you have so far chosen to stay away from vampires and werewolves.

• There is definitely a spark of a connection between your hero and heroine but, while it is important to demonstrate their internal thoughts, in order to make their chemistry really leap off the page it would be great for their conversations to relate more to their increasing attraction to each other. At the moment, your story feels a little dense in parts, which further dialogue will resolve and help to drive the relationship and romance forward.

• To really help this story stand out, we’d suggest focussing more on their internal, rather than external, emotional conflict. What will eventually hold this couple back from being together? Little hints will keep the reader rooting for your romance as the story unfolds.

Lost Princess, Found Bride by Bobbi Dumas

• You have a lovely voice and this entry has such an exciting ending! Now, the beginning just needs to grab the reader’s attention a bit more to make certain they read on!

• There is quite a lot of narrative setting up the story at the beginning, which does slow the pace of the chapter and runs the risk of confusing the reader. You write the dialogue so well that when it does feature, the chapter flows naturally and smoothly. We’d therefore suggest saving some of the background for later in the story and keeping the reader intrigued about the hero and heroine’s mutual pasts.

• The hero and heroine’s reunion is wonderfully written and very romantic, however it would be even better to see more of their connection earlier in the chapter - perhaps try starting your story closer to their moment of confrontation?

We hope all our feedback helps everyone with their writing – good luck and keep it up!

If you missed the first 20 critiques, you can read the first, second, third and fourth batches too.

Romance HQ x