Editorial Critiques - Group 4

Whilst we’re all voting for the New Voices winner, here are the next batch of editorial critiques for you!

Her Royal Secret by Chris Weston

• You have a lovely, distinctive voice and your story clearly taps in to some key romantic themes. Annie was wonderfully sympathetic and you ended your chapter on a great hook! But in order to reach your story’s full potential, to have your readers tearing through the pages to reach the end, you could work on really ramping up that tension and conflict between Annie and Alex.

• For Annie, Alex is the man who, seemingly, bought his way out of parenthood and married someone else. Wouldn’t that make him the last person in the world she’d ever want to see? Would she be trembling with anger? For Alex, it is, presently, a little hard to see what his emotional stand point will be throughout your story other than guilt. Is there a more powerful emotion driving him towards Annie? Is there a more exciting, dramatic way to bring this out on to the page more clearly?

• Focusing more on the specific conflict that forces your characters apart - even when they are so desperately attracted to each other! - will really lead your readers by the nose through your story, frantic to find out whether they actually ever will be able to overcome the emotional obstacles in the way.

A Load of Trouble by Claire North

• Your first line is very intriguing – Kari Walsh would never cease to be amazed at what she could learn from other people’s underwear. Wonderful start! We encourage authors to grab the reader’s attention and draw them into the story from the opening page.

• You should be careful, therefore, after this amazing opening sentence, that not too much narrative appears while setting up the story. Dialogue helps to give a sense of immediacy and action and sometimes it’s better to feed the setting up elements through as the book develops.

• We see a good number of stories featuring property developers so we would ask you to watch that the story remains fresh with unexpected twists and turns. We do like the sympathy generated for both protagonists. The heroine is obviously caring of her grandmother and the reader feels for Kari because she discovered the hard way that her fiancé was two-timing her. The hero is a nice mix of powerful tycoon and practical, sexy man about the house.

Weddings, Wealth and Tears by Janet Massey

• Mills & Boon stories are fantasies although they do need to be based in reality which means that readers need to understand and believe in the characters’ motivations. Readers could find it curious that Rocco tells Gabriella that the marriage she’s arranging for his sister isn’t going ahead, although she’s to continue along with his sister’s wishes for the time being. If all is still moving forward with the plans, why does he need to tell the heroine anything? It risks looking like a story device, so having Gabriella or Rocco wonder just why he’d come out with the shocking revelation at that moment would mean that the reader knows he’s said something he could have kept to himself.

• There is obvious chemistry between hot-blooded Rocco and Gabby at this first meeting. He’s been aroused by her and thoughts about her have put him in the mood for a woman. Would suggest his seeking out Francesca who was always up for a bit of fun doesn’t put him in a good light. We realise he wouldn’t be keeping himself for the heroine at this early stage in their getting to know each other, but the reader might feel uncomfortable to be confronted with his blatant thoughts about another woman. Would suggest his going to the nightclub be less focussed on his finding a specific woman.

• Nice parallel between the actions of Gabriella’s ex and the hero’s calling the shots in his sister’s life. This sets up good story conflict to be explored as the story develops.

Daring Diva by Julie Destry

• You’ve got a fresh, contemporary voice that sparkles. The sense of immediacy in your writing style draws the reader in straightaway.

• Even though Matt can be arrogant, be careful to keep your hero likable in the reader’s eyes. His somewhat derogatory attitude towards women could alienate readers.

• Although secondary characters contribute to the story, be careful that they don’t dominate. Matt’s best friend Darren has a tendency to do this in the first chapter, as does Steve. Would suggest re-focusing back to your hero and heroine and their initial meeting. And because Liz only features briefly at the end of chapter one, there isn’t chance to see the intensity developing between her and Matt.

Selkie’s Serenade by Allison Newman

• You create atmosphere and setting really well and literally emerge the reader straight into this unfamiliar world. You’re heroine is gutsy and brave and this makes her appealing to the reader.

• Rather than focusing on the backstory at the beginning, it would be great to see the hero and heroine interacting earlier on. Whilst it’s interesting to see Ella’s viewpoint, the text can read a little densely. Bringing your hero and heroine together earlier and with dialogue will lift the characters off the page and create immediacy.

• The introduction of ‘the stranger’ is interesting but, whilst adding another dimension to the story, it does detract attention away from your hero. Keep the focus of the initial meeting firmly between Ella and Ewan.

We hope this feedback helps, and good luck with your future writing!

If you missed the first 15 critiques, you can read the first, second and third batch of critiques too.

Romance HQ x