Editorial Critiques - Group 3

by Selma Leung on Thursday 27 October, 2011, 4:29 PM

Here are the next five, with a few of our thoughts on what we loved and hints on how to improve each one:

This was a really strong submission in many ways and we loved your fresh, young voice. We loved the fact that the heroine is determined to turn her life around and has made herself a to-do list, plus the hen night premise was great fun.

Where this entry could have been stronger were the long stretches of introspection at the beginning, which did rather slow the pace down early on. Also, the submission began with the hero thinking he wanted a life partner, which always runs the risk of weakening him by putting him in a position of neediness.

Our suggestion would be to start with the heroine’s point of view, her to-do list and the hen-night – and then we first meet the hero when the heroine gets her mission “To Kiss a Stranger…” We wish you all the best with your future writing!

Your entry had immediate impact with your very intense, dramatic and passionate writing style. You immediately set up a sexy, highly charged dynamic between Zara and Damian, and it was great to see the use of social media to keep it totally contemporary!

However, your heroine was not coming across as very sympathetic – her wanting Damian to make her his mistress made her seem quite sexually promiscuous, which isn’t a problem in its own right, however we would need to understand more clearly the heroine’s motivations for being there, sending his mistress away and offering herself to him.

Lines such as “I will be whatever you want me to be” can weaken her and although this may be an element of conflict you’re setting up (her complex relationship with her father, and perhaps all men), it’s really important that the reader is on side with her right from the beginning, really understands her aims and is rooting for her. Good luck with developing your heroine a bit more and we wish you every success!

One of the things that stood out about this entry was how evocative it was – what a beautiful setting! The reader gets a wonderful sense of Ellie, the heroine, and it’s great that the story starts when she is at a point of change in her life and the reader looks forward to seeing how she is going to develop as a character.

The hero, Ross, is darkly brooding and mysterious. Take care to make sure the reader understands why he is being so abrupt towards Ellie though – just a hint at what’s really going on inside him can be enough as you don’t want to give everything away. Ross’s point of view only comes in at the end of the chapter so it might help to see some of his thoughts earlier on to give readers a better understanding of him?

Finally, there is a great sense of attraction between Ross and Ellie but it might be more effective to have a stronger idea of the emotional conflicts that will be keeping them apart as the story progresses.

First of all, we have to say how much we thoroughly enjoyed Lady Philippa, and her Perfect Plan too! How we felt for her when her attempts at coquettish seduction are brutally rebuffed. And you definitely intrigued us at the end…

However, what we really wanted to see from this story was something just a little bit different, perhaps a little more provocative! There’s no disputing that marriage for money rather than love is an enduringly popular theme (just look at Downton Abbey!) But in Lady Philippa’s Perfect Plan it would have been good to see something different in terms of character, plot, conflict or execution, to make it stand out among the current voices in our Historical series.

Jayne, you have such an engaging voice, and a highly evocative sense of the period – you’ve definitely caught our eye! So we would really encourage you to write something that pushes the boundaries of what’s expected from a Mills & Boon Historical.

This is a fantastic opening. The first line hooks the reader in from the very beginning. You also set the scene really well with pacy dialogue.

However, it would be great to see the focus on your hero and heroine from the outset, as opposed to on the heroine’s sister. You could consider that it’s Meg and not Jess that finds Ben injured on the dusty road. Keeping Meg and Ben at the forefront from the start will set up the romantic intensity for the reader.

You have shown a good understanding of conflict and have already begun to weave this into the opening chapter. However the reader knows very little about Ben as it stands. You could consider showing hints of his conflict even at this early stage in the story.

If you missed the first 10 critiques, you can read first and second batch of critiques too.

We hope this feedback helps, and good luck with your future writing!

Romance HQ x

In order to post comments you must first register and then login.