Editorial Critiques - Group 2

Whilst our judges are busy judging the Top 21’s second chapters, our editors have been busy critiquing more of your entries!

We’ve randomly selected 30 New Voices entries and we’ll be publishing editorial critiques on them from now until the end of the competition. We posted the first five last week.

Here are the next five, with a few of our thoughts on what we loved and hints on how to improve each one:

An Unholy Legacy by Lisa Wilson Pearson

There was a lot to love about your story – especially that we were right there with Serena as her world turned upside down around her.

You’ve set yourself a real challenge as the paranormal genre is an increasingly crowded market – so our suggestions for making your next submission stand out would be:

• Hook the reader instantly into your paranormal world – within a series length story every word counts, so make sure you start building that world for readers to step instantly into from page one.

• Keep the focus on your hero and heroine – Serena’s mother almost gets more page space in this first chapter than Oliver… Whilst this chapter delivers on emotion from Serena’s point of view it doesn’t deliver on the sizzling sensual tension and thrilling attraction that would compel us to read on.

Far More Wicked by Clarice Elaine

• One of the top tips Mills & Boon editors often give to aspiring authors is start with an attention grabbing first line and your chapter definitely delivers this! Beginning a chapter with dialogue is also a great way to create pace and insight to characters.

• There is quite a lot of information about the characters and their back story in your chapter…in fact maybe a little too much. It is often best to hold back on some information and reveal it later on to both create intrigue for the reader and to use each detail when it has optimum impact on the characters and their situation.

• By the end of the chapter, Garrett has already resolved one of his emotional conflicts that relates to the heroine, Eva – she released him of all feelings of guilt regarding their moment of weakness. He feels free and she holds no bad feelings, but this somewhat dissolves the sense of tension and conflict between them, which means there isn’t a strong element pulling the reader through to the next chapter.

The TV Mogul’s Secret Love Child by Cait O’Sullivan

• This was a new and relevant premise – reality TV shows, especially featuring celebrities, continue to be popular so it stood out as something a little different! All the little asides, the mention of a TV chef and the girl band members touching up their make-up added to the flavour of the premise and made it come alive. It could be difficult to pull off however in the long run – a short contemporary needs to be tightly focussed on the hero and heroine which could be tricky in a group situation.

• Benedict is an arrogantly sexy hero and their shared past is intriguing – Teppy is definitely not happy to see him, she has changed, but why…? The chapter builds to a great climax and leaves the reader wanting to read on!

• Overall, this was a strong first chapter but just not as tightly executed as it could be. The chapter could’ve benefited with a little more dialogue between our hero and heroine to create some really sizzling sensual tension and chemistry.

The Counterfeit Courtship by Sonya Lipczynska

• Your chapter felt really fun! You have some great dialogue and a wonderful upbeat tone to your writing.

• We loved the last line of your chapter, too, and the intrigue surrounding your hero and heroine’s shared past.

• However, whilst the shared past is interesting, you could have perhaps whetted the reader’s appetite even more by giving further hints to what the tension between your hero and heroine is. Why is there unresolved conflict here?

• Also, the standard of Historical entries in the New Voices competition – and Historical submissions in general – is extremely high. To make your story really stand out to editors, it’s good to try and find an angle or a type of character that’s never been done before. Have you always had a burning desire to write about something in a Historical novel that you’ve never read previously? If so, then go for it! You’ve got a great writing voice so we’re sure you could do whatever you wanted and make it accessible and fun.

Ghost of a Chance by Rachel Berens-VanHeest

• You have a contemporary, lively writing style and an obvious talent for writing dialogue.

• However, it’s hard for the reader to understand why Jake is so demonstrative with his attraction to Sarah – and also, what this will then mean for the rest of your story in terms of conflict between them. What will stop him from being with her?

• It also feels that the story may be more based around the plot rather than the characters. As touched on above, it’s difficult to see what emotional issues your characters might have from this opening chapter that will then propel your romance forward and also sustain it throughout a whole story. Whilst it’s important for your characters not to reveal their entire emotional history in the first chapter, it is also vital that there’s a sense of an emotional undercurrent to the story that will make readers really root for your hero and heroine and will them toward their happy ending! At the moment, there are only potential external elements that the reader can forsee causing problems – the ghost, and the contract.

We hope this feedback helps, and good luck with your future writing!

With very best wishes
Romance HQ x