I'm so disappointed that this didn't get through. I had this and Incy's down on my top twenty list. Granted we didn't get to read them all and there were some excellent choices in there.
Although no more excellent than some that didn't get in.
I'm sure this story will go on to do well. Please keep working on it. I've just joined twitter as allyarmstro1. So please let me know how your story is going.
Hi Kara First off, I had your entry pegged as going all the way and I’m perplexed as to why you didn’t make the next round. Your comment re rom sus is very valid. It’s clearly not a particularly popular genre and it’s up to those of us who target the Rom Sus and Intrigue lines to lend as much support as poss. How hard can it be to move a mountain? Sub your entry somewhere, I’d read it in a heartbeat!
Thanks you for you comments on my novel “Sally and the Shadow”. I entered the competition to get suggestions in how to improve it, and your advice was very helpful.
I enjoyed your characters in “Arctic Heat”. I want to know more about what made Mr Gorky the way he is, and why Jane would go through so much trouble for a brother she has never met.
Very clever title.
PS: I’m sorry about my 50% rating. My mouse slipped while I was hovering over the roses and that’s what was highlighted, and it wouldn’t let me change it!
Kara, I love your opening line. You raise the level of suspense and leave the reader dangling at the end of the chapter, wondering what will happen between the characters. There does not appear to be any physical attraction between them but no doubt that will develop in the second chapter. Hope we get to read it! Good luck.
Firstly, my apologies, I clicked as I was hovering over the roses and marked you far too low - sorry. I really enjoyed your entry. I love the premise, the set up - its great to see a out of the ordinary entry. Good luck.
However, I was hoping NOT to see you here this year, but on a shelf at my local bookshop. Along with Lindsay P, Jackie C, Lorraine W and Merri M (haven't commented on your entry yet, Merri, but it is superb).
I really liked this first chapter and think it shows a lot of potential - your two main characters are strong and the idea behind your story is intriguing. I did struggle with the long sections of dialogue and felt that it would have held my attention better if these had been a little bit more broken up with narrative. Your descriptions are beautiful but I thought there may have been a few too many metaphors - save some for later chapters because they are clever and uncliched - hard to do! The pov for both characters is brilliantly done - you have made them different enough so that we can tell who it is without searching for it - it's seamless and each character has a unique 'voice'. I definitely want to know where the story is going and how these two are going to end up together. Damn these rose ratings - it clicked before I wanted it to, so apologies for the lower than I wanted to give you rating...
Kara, Great minds think alike <grins>! I loved YOUR Maxim, YOUR Russia and YOUR signet ring! I liked the opening line and overall dark tone of the piece. It was perfectly suspenseful. I thought the hero was very intense...almost scary, definitely someone who is in need of some redemption. I liked Jane as well. She is very determined to rescue her brother...travels to foreign country...meets scary man in artic tundra...invites him to her room...brave girl! I found myself wondering why she would do these things especially as she had never met her half brother even if her was autistic and she worried he was going to prison. I thought it was a great question when Maxim asked why she would do this...I just wanted her motivation more spelled out…what she was atoning for in the past that would make her take such a radical risk. Overall loved the setting and scene set up. Maxim was spot on and I liked Jane just wanted to feel her a bit more! Good luck…hope to read more soon ;)
@ Issy: I can't believe you remember my NV2010 entry! I remember you, of course, for your singularly insighful, detailed critiques that I admire. I was secretly hoping to see you around this year too -- and here you are! Like Santa Claus, you show up once a year to give presents! =D I am grateful. Thank you so much, Issy, for your time and your valuable feedback. I appreciate it. x Kara
"The road to redemption was paved with cold intentions." Stunning opening sentence, and for me, that sets the tone for the rest of the chapter.
The hero is genuinely tough, with no apparent soft edges, but at the same time, very sexy.
The heroine is a joy - she recognises what she is up against, what she needs to do, and she doesn't waste time by useless words or actions.
The phraseology used is quite brilliant. Some of my favourites are: "Storm wrapped the parka against her like vacuum plastic." "..the frozen abyss that was his eyes." "...a long, black, double-breasted leather coat with brutality tanned into it."
However, I do have some concerns.
All the paragraphs are roughly the same length. Perhaps consider varying the length and rhythm to avoid too staccato a feel.
Also don't be scared of narrative. It can provide background and advance the story as effectively as dialogue, if used carefully. Dialogue alone can result in a too pared down tone, and can lessen the intimacy. It's all very well keeping the reader in the dark, but sometimes a clue as to 'Why?' is really appreciated. Some examples of where I think this may have helped are:
“Now you mistook me. A code would imply honor. I think I have none." I want a few hints as to why he is the man he is.
"The men in the greatcoats fed on fear and tears, and she’d learned early on not to feed the beasts." I want a hint as to what she is referring.
I also found the following paragraph jarring, and at odds with what we have learned about Maxim Gorky to date, e.g. "With the wind beneath his coat, on his skin, and the reflection of rain in his eyes, he looked so...beaten, lost, a stray dog abandoned in the storm."
And just one question....has he changed clothes midway through the storm? Initially, he was wearing 'a grey trench coat left open to the elements,' but later it was 'A man to fill out a long, black, double-breasted leather coat with brutality tanned into it." Or was this just what Jane thought he should be wearing?
The verdict? I still don't understand why Kara Auren is not an established author. 'Kidnapped by the Mercenary' was extremely good, but this hits the ball out of the park. I absolutely loved it.
Hi Kara, I really enjoyed the way you've used language to create a very Noir/Gorky Park feel and convincing atmosphere. A strong, interesting male and some good tension and dialogue there.
A very punchy, quick-paced chapter. I sped through it and was at the end before I knew it, wanting the rest! In terms of improvement, the only thing was I had to read the opening a few times - a bit too wordy. Perhaps there's a clearer way to state what you mean? I just couldn't picture what expression he pulled before stepping outside.
Fell in love with this line: "He stood so close they were glued to each other like two wet autumn leaves". Beautiful imagery, cold wet setting, and sexual promise in her offering him to her room. Crossing my fingers that I get to read chapter two very soon :-)
Everyone, thank you so much for stopping by to read my entry and thank you for your many, many helpful comments and suggestions.
@ Nikki Logan: Thank you. An encouraging comment from one the fantastic author mentors is special. :)
@.. Webster, Julie Forbs, Amanda Deutsch: I make a point to return the favour and read the entries of those who stop by to read mine. Give me a nudge if you'll have an entry up, okay?
@ Amanda Deutsch: Thank you for leaving a comment. It is helpful to know that my style can also be a "turn-off".
I think you have two interesting protagonists here and potential for some exciting scenario's. Like some of the other comments I'd have liked a bit more description or back story around all the dialogue, I think this might have helped in adding some tension between H/H. I enjoyed your 'noir' style which is well written, but it was a wee bit too hard boiled for me, as I said before I'd have liked some more immediate heat between the H/H but thats just my personal preference Good luck :)
Thank you so much for your kind comments on The Barrett Factor. No worries about the rose ratings. I feel sorry for the poor souls with so little confidence in their own talent that they feel their only chance is to try and sabotage others.
I like that Arctic Heat starts from Maxim's perspective. It's risky but effective in this case. Also risky is the short, curt sentence/paragraph structure. I think for the characters and subject matter it's appropriate. However, it requires one's full attention to read, which may be a turn off to some readers.
I think the setting and story premise are exciting but, for me, the story is getting bogged down by the conversation. Can you break the conversation up or give the reader some of that information in another way?
I think your characters are fascinating and well written, and the setting descriptions are well done. I could definitely feel the cold as I read the piece.
Not convinced by the previous commentators to read . Some aspects great, yet others jarred for me. Never keen to see an American English spelling (such as Honor) and felt that some of the descriptions tried to hard to be clever. Sorry, but I didn't manage reading to the end of the chapter.
Kara this is so original. I think your first paragraph gives a great insight of Maxim and how he thinks and feels. Your descriptions really suck you in. I think the tension you create between the H&h is wonderful especially the dialogue when she thinks Maxim is going to say he wants her. Fab stuff!!
Also I understand your frustration with the roses as the same as happened to me. It kinda put me off commenting and rating, when my intention is to praise and support. Just so you know I gave you a well deserved 5 roses.
Oooh, Kara -- this is different! And interesting! And the characters are so alive! Dare I say it's sexy without overtly trying to be sexy? Smart, atmospheric. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter -- best of luck in round two, and I hope to read more!
Dear kara, Okay now i'm having a little moment here. I know i wear my heart on my sleeve - but you have made me very emotional- the things you have said will truly stay with me a long time! Thank you so much... As for my spelling - well heres the thing I am slightly dyslexc so - a) it could be me turning things around again. b( a typo error - never seem to have enough time to get ideas down and c) this is how i have seen it before and wrote it down. now, between us girls i have seen it as the third - but i think it was an obscure entry post but because i needed to use this a lot it was easier for me to identify with - however the computor system recognises it either in USA or UK format! i have a reading buddy - but she is now a friend as well as a colleague and openly admits she is more interested in the story than the editing! great compliment to me! i think this year entries and comments have been more supportive than ever. As a writing community i think we all deserve our roses (even if the darn thngs play up for me!) keep in touch - if you want my email i would be happy to have another friend - especially one as generous as you are! Thank you Colleen
hello Kara, this did have the suspense of a parranormal! then i read your profile and thought this is the type of book i love. it has the potential to unravel the complex with style. The first part did take me a little while to get into and then i too realised it was his POV we were dealing with - so re read it and found it easier to work with - the switch then became fluid and i knew what to expect. the description took me tot he setting beautifully. the dialogue clean cut. the only thing i had a little trouble getting on with was the stilted english of gorky's accent - i know he is supposed to have one but it contrasted with the rest of the prose. Would it bother me? Nope i think the story/plot itself could well be the clincher for me. the romance could have been developed a little more in the opening chapter but this type of story feeds in ideas for impact and as i think suspense readers would know about this, it would not matter! all in all the opening chapter set out and delivered what you said it would in your profile - a romantic suspense that is witty and gritty! Well done.
This has a good descriptive flow, which I enjoyed very much. Maxim is a very interesting character, I look forward to seeing how he develops. The romantic tension is very attractive. Good Luck
The opening paras threw me a bit and then you hit the dialogue and I was totally sold. Short snappy sentences, each like the hit of a bullet - loved it! Promises to be an engrossing read and I hope we get to read more. Once published, I know this would be one of those books I'd read over and over again.
Kara - it took me a bit to settle into this chapter because, at first, I found the writing to be overly clever, almost trying too hard. But...then I realised that's in his POV and that's kind of how he thinks... cryptically and in word-pictures and puzzles. So then once I made that mental shift it all fell into place.
Really enjoyed the rest, definitely felt the tension between them and had a heap of reader questions that would drive me to turn the page in the book. I think you are a case of truly letting your natural voice spill onto the page. It's quirky, it's a little bit odd, but it's very 3D for me. Very compelling.
Good luck re: going forward.
NB: As an author mentor, the views expressed in the above comment are my own only and don’t reflect those of Romance HQ, nor do they affect the outcome of the competition.
Parts of this chapter made me think Raymond Chandler, Humphrey Bogart - I love all the old detective films. I could feel the cold, and the heat ( so your title really works!). It conjured up images of dark streets, despair, desolation, secrets and lies. At the moment I have black and white in my head - I can't see any colours yet - but that is a compliment to your writing and I know when the colour comes it will be vivid. Maxim is a very interesting hero and Jane comes across as determined, brave but I suspect all oozy and soft at the centre. I think this story is probably very much in the vein of a lot of the thrillers/suspense novels that you see in the bookshops- they seem to be mainly written by men although I don't claim to be an expert as it's my husband who reads them!. In my humble opinion to read one by a female writer with these two characters, a strong story and underlying romantic tension is a very attractive concept. I want to know what happens next and who Maxim really is......You have set your scene really really well and I enjoyed this. Many thanks and I hope you do well with it.
I like a non traditional hero. Your humour shines through in this piece with Gorky's comments like 'Abby Lincoln', 'Miss America', etc. I was hoping for a little more sexual tension once the conversation in the rain was resolved..... patience is a virtue they say. Best of luck. :):)
Er yes... Kara I meant show not tell..as you probably realised. BTW that rose machine thingy clicked when I was still dragging it accross to 100%. Second time it's happened. Grrr...
This is such a well written piece I could actually see it working as a film script. You've given such an evocative description, I wanted to run off for the old hat scarf and gloves! And your hero is hawwt. I like the way the heroine tries to play it his way when you know she'd really like to punch his face in!
Great dialogue; I was thinking a littte more back story would have been great but then I realised hey! that's what the dialogue is doing. tell not show etc.
Would love to see this go through. You have great style. Good luck.
Allyson Armstrong
Saturday 15 October, 2011, 9:56 AM
Hi Kara,
I'm so disappointed that this didn't get through. I had this and Incy's down on my top twenty list. Granted we didn't get to read them all and there were some excellent choices in there.
Although no more excellent than some that didn't get in.
I'm sure this story will go on to do well. Please keep working on it. I've just joined twitter as allyarmstro1. So please let me know how your story is going.
#32 | Report this comment
Incy Black
Friday 14 October, 2011, 8:29 AM
Hi Kara
First off, I had your entry pegged as going all the way and I’m perplexed as to why you didn’t make the next round.
Your comment re rom sus is very valid. It’s clearly not a particularly popular genre and it’s up to those of us who target the Rom Sus and Intrigue lines to lend as much support as poss.
How hard can it be to move a mountain?
Sub your entry somewhere, I’d read it in a heartbeat!
#31 | Report this comment
Michelle Dennison
Tuesday 11 October, 2011, 7:07 PM
Dear Kara,
Thanks you for you comments on my novel “Sally and the Shadow”. I entered the competition to get suggestions in how to improve it, and your advice was very helpful.
I enjoyed your characters in “Arctic Heat”. I want to know more about what made Mr Gorky the way he is, and why Jane would go through so much trouble for a brother she has never met.
Very clever title.
PS: I’m sorry about my 50% rating. My mouse slipped while I was hovering over the roses and that’s what was highlighted, and it wouldn’t let me change it!
#30 | Report this comment
Bobbi Dumas
Monday 10 October, 2011, 3:51 AM
Wow - very well done! Great dialogue, voice and tension building, smooth writing, and fantastic pace. Impressive - very best of luck! :o)
#29 | Report this comment
Rita Swan
Monday 10 October, 2011, 3:14 AM
Kara, I love your opening line. You raise the level of suspense and leave the reader dangling at the end of the chapter, wondering what will happen between the characters. There does not appear to be any physical attraction between them but no doubt that will develop in the second chapter. Hope we get to read it! Good luck.
#28 | Report this comment
Jennifer dellaRossi
Monday 10 October, 2011, 1:42 AM
Firstly, my apologies, I clicked as I was hovering over the roses and marked you far too low - sorry. I really enjoyed your entry. I love the premise, the set up - its great to see a out of the ordinary entry. Good luck.
#27 | Report this comment
Issy Cantrell
Sunday 09 October, 2011, 9:07 PM
Hi Kara, thank you very much for your kind words.
However, I was hoping NOT to see you here this year, but on a shelf at my local bookshop. Along with Lindsay P, Jackie C, Lorraine W and Merri M (haven't commented on your entry yet, Merri, but it is superb).
Cheers all
#26 | Report this comment
Gabrielle Aquilina
Sunday 09 October, 2011, 4:51 PM
I really liked this first chapter and think it shows a lot of potential - your two main characters are strong and the idea behind your story is intriguing.
I did struggle with the long sections of dialogue and felt that it would have held my attention better if these had been a little bit more broken up with narrative. Your descriptions are beautiful but I thought there may have been a few too many metaphors - save some for later chapters because they are clever and uncliched - hard to do!
The pov for both characters is brilliantly done - you have made them different enough so that we can tell who it is without searching for it - it's seamless and each character has a unique 'voice'.
I definitely want to know where the story is going and how these two are going to end up together. Damn these rose ratings - it clicked before I wanted it to, so apologies for the lower than I wanted to give you rating...
#25 | Report this comment
Vanessa Moss
Sunday 09 October, 2011, 4:15 PM
Kara, Great minds think alike <grins>! I loved YOUR Maxim, YOUR Russia and YOUR signet ring! I liked the opening line and overall dark tone of the piece. It was perfectly suspenseful. I thought the hero was very intense...almost scary, definitely someone who is in need of some redemption. I liked Jane as well. She is very determined to rescue her brother...travels to foreign country...meets scary man in artic tundra...invites him to her room...brave girl! I found myself wondering why she would do these things especially as she had never met her half brother even if her was autistic and she worried he was going to prison. I thought it was a great question when Maxim asked why she would do this...I just wanted her motivation more spelled out…what she was atoning for in the past that would make her take such a radical risk. Overall loved the setting and scene set up. Maxim was spot on and I liked Jane just wanted to feel her a bit more! Good luck…hope to read more soon ;)
#24 | Report this comment
Kara Auren
Sunday 09 October, 2011, 1:08 PM
@ Issy: I can't believe you remember my NV2010 entry! I remember you, of course, for your singularly insighful, detailed critiques that I admire. I was secretly hoping to see you around this year too -- and here you are! Like Santa Claus, you show up once a year to give presents! =D I am grateful. Thank you so much, Issy, for your time and your valuable feedback. I appreciate it. x Kara
#23 | Report this comment
Issy Cantrell
Saturday 08 October, 2011, 4:05 PM
"The road to redemption was paved with cold intentions." Stunning opening sentence, and for me, that sets the tone for the rest of the chapter.
The hero is genuinely tough, with no apparent soft edges, but at the same time, very sexy.
The heroine is a joy - she recognises what she is up against, what she needs to do, and she doesn't waste time by useless words or actions.
The phraseology used is quite brilliant. Some of my favourites are:
"Storm wrapped the parka against her like vacuum plastic."
"..the frozen abyss that was his eyes."
"...a long, black, double-breasted leather coat with brutality tanned into it."
However, I do have some concerns.
All the paragraphs are roughly the same length. Perhaps consider varying the length and rhythm to avoid too staccato a feel.
Also don't be scared of narrative. It can provide background and advance the story as effectively as dialogue, if used carefully. Dialogue alone can result in a too pared down tone, and can lessen the intimacy. It's all very well keeping the reader in the dark, but sometimes a clue as to 'Why?' is really appreciated. Some examples of where I think this may have helped are:
“Now you mistook me. A code would imply honor. I think I have none." I want a few hints as to why he is the man he is.
"The men in the greatcoats fed on fear and tears, and she’d learned early on not to feed the beasts." I want a hint as to what she is referring.
I also found the following paragraph jarring, and at odds with what we have learned about Maxim Gorky to date, e.g. "With the wind beneath his coat, on his skin, and the reflection of rain in his eyes, he looked so...beaten, lost, a stray dog abandoned in the storm."
And just one question....has he changed clothes midway through the storm? Initially, he was wearing 'a grey trench coat left open to the elements,' but later it was 'A man to fill out a long, black, double-breasted leather coat with brutality tanned into it." Or was this just what Jane thought he should be wearing?
The verdict? I still don't understand why Kara Auren is not an established author. 'Kidnapped by the Mercenary' was extremely good, but this hits the ball out of the park. I absolutely loved it.
#22 | Report this comment
TS Asher
Saturday 08 October, 2011, 9:04 AM
Hi Kara, I really enjoyed the way you've used language to create a very Noir/Gorky Park feel and convincing atmosphere. A strong, interesting male and some good tension and dialogue there.
#21 | Report this comment
Madeline Ash
Saturday 08 October, 2011, 7:55 AM
A very punchy, quick-paced chapter. I sped through it and was at the end before I knew it, wanting the rest! In terms of improvement, the only thing was I had to read the opening a few times - a bit too wordy. Perhaps there's a clearer way to state what you mean? I just couldn't picture what expression he pulled before stepping outside.
Fell in love with this line: "He stood so close they were glued to each other like two wet autumn leaves". Beautiful imagery, cold wet setting, and sexual promise in her offering him to her room. Crossing my fingers that I get to read chapter two very soon :-)
#20 | Report this comment
Kara Auren
Friday 07 October, 2011, 9:19 AM
Everyone, thank you so much for stopping by to read my entry and thank you for your many, many helpful comments and suggestions.
@ Nikki Logan: Thank you. An encouraging comment from one the fantastic author mentors is special. :)
@.. Webster, Julie Forbs, Amanda Deutsch: I make a point to return the favour and read the entries of those who stop by to read mine. Give me a nudge if you'll have an entry up, okay?
@ Amanda Deutsch: Thank you for leaving a comment. It is helpful to know that my style can also be a "turn-off".
#19 | Report this comment
Debbie Lebeter
Thursday 06 October, 2011, 8:16 PM
I think you have two interesting protagonists here and potential for some exciting scenario's. Like some of the other comments I'd have liked a bit more description or back story around all the dialogue, I think this might have helped in adding some tension between H/H. I enjoyed your 'noir' style which is well written, but it was a wee bit too hard boiled for me, as I said before I'd have liked some more immediate heat between the H/H but thats just my personal preference Good luck :)
#18 | Report this comment
Marcie Walker
Wednesday 05 October, 2011, 5:08 AM
Hi Karen,
Thank you so much for your kind comments on The Barrett Factor. No worries about the rose ratings. I feel sorry for the poor souls with so little confidence in their own talent that they feel their only chance is to try and sabotage others.
I like that Arctic Heat starts from Maxim's perspective. It's risky but effective in this case. Also risky is the short, curt sentence/paragraph structure. I think for the characters and subject matter it's appropriate. However, it requires one's full attention to read, which may be a turn off to some readers.
I think the setting and story premise are exciting but, for me, the story is getting bogged down by the conversation. Can you break the conversation up or give the reader some of that information in another way?
I think your characters are fascinating and well written, and the setting descriptions are well done. I could definitely feel the cold as I read the piece.
Marcie
#17 | Report this comment
Easily Forgotten
Tuesday 04 October, 2011, 10:59 PM
Not convinced by the previous commentators to read . Some aspects great, yet others jarred for me. Never keen to see an American English spelling (such as Honor) and felt that some of the descriptions tried to hard to be clever. Sorry, but I didn't manage reading to the end of the chapter.
#16 | Report this comment
Tracey Rogers
Tuesday 04 October, 2011, 8:12 PM
Kara this is so original. I think your first paragraph gives a great insight of Maxim and how he thinks and feels. Your descriptions really suck you in. I think the tension you create between the H&h is wonderful especially the dialogue when she thinks Maxim is going to say he wants her. Fab stuff!!
Also I understand your frustration with the roses as the same as happened to me. It kinda put me off commenting and rating, when my intention is to praise and support. Just so you know I gave you a well deserved 5 roses.
#15 | Report this comment
Natalie Charles
Tuesday 04 October, 2011, 6:26 PM
Oooh, Kara -- this is different! And interesting! And the characters are so alive! Dare I say it's sexy without overtly trying to be sexy? Smart, atmospheric. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter -- best of luck in round two, and I hope to read more!
#14 | Report this comment
Colleen Sharpe
Tuesday 04 October, 2011, 3:54 PM
Dear kara,
Okay now i'm having a little moment here. I know i wear my heart on my sleeve - but you have made me very emotional- the things you have said will truly stay with me a long time! Thank you so much...
As for my spelling - well heres the thing I am slightly dyslexc so - a) it could be me turning things around again. b( a typo error - never seem to have enough time to get ideas down and c) this is how i have seen it before and wrote it down.
now, between us girls i have seen it as the third - but i think it was an obscure entry post but because i needed to use this a lot it was easier for me to identify with - however the computor system recognises it either in USA or UK format! i have a reading buddy - but she is now a friend as well as a colleague and openly admits she is more interested in the story than the editing! great compliment to me!
i think this year entries and comments have been more supportive than ever. As a writing community i think we all deserve our roses (even if the darn thngs play up for me!)
keep in touch - if you want my email i would be happy to have another friend - especially one as generous as you are!
Thank you
Colleen
#13 | Report this comment
Colleen Sharpe
Monday 03 October, 2011, 4:57 PM
hello Kara,
this did have the suspense of a parranormal! then i read your profile and thought this is the type of book i love. it has the potential to unravel the complex with style.
The first part did take me a little while to get into and then i too realised it was his POV we were dealing with - so re read it and found it easier to work with - the switch then became fluid and i knew what to expect. the description took me tot he setting beautifully. the dialogue clean cut. the only thing i had a little trouble getting on with was the stilted english of gorky's accent - i know he is supposed to have one but it contrasted with the rest of the prose. Would it bother me? Nope i think the story/plot itself could well be the clincher for me. the romance could have been developed a little more in the opening chapter but this type of story feeds in ideas for impact and as i think suspense readers would know about this, it would not matter! all in all the opening chapter set out and delivered what you said it would in your profile - a romantic suspense that is witty and gritty!
Well done.
#12 | Report this comment
Julie Forbs
Monday 03 October, 2011, 2:36 PM
This has a good descriptive flow, which I enjoyed very much. Maxim is a very interesting character, I look forward to seeing how he develops. The romantic tension is very attractive. Good Luck
#11 | Report this comment
.. Webster
Sunday 02 October, 2011, 3:47 PM
Took a while to get into it but was pretty good.
#10 | Report this comment
Incy Black
Sunday 02 October, 2011, 11:47 AM
The opening paras threw me a bit and then you hit the dialogue and I was totally sold. Short snappy sentences, each like the hit of a bullet - loved it! Promises to be an engrossing read and I hope we get to read more. Once published, I know this would be one of those books I'd read over and over again.
#9 | Report this comment
Nikki Logan
Sunday 02 October, 2011, 10:59 AM
Kara - it took me a bit to settle into this chapter because, at first, I found the writing to be overly clever, almost trying too hard. But...then I realised that's in his POV and that's kind of how he thinks... cryptically and in word-pictures and puzzles. So then once I made that mental shift it all fell into place.
Really enjoyed the rest, definitely felt the tension between them and had a heap of reader questions that would drive me to turn the page in the book. I think you are a case of truly letting your natural voice spill onto the page. It's quirky, it's a little bit odd, but it's very 3D for me. Very compelling.
Good luck re: going forward.
NB: As an author mentor, the views expressed in the above comment are my own only and don’t reflect those of Romance HQ, nor do they affect the outcome of the competition.
#8 | Report this comment
Jo Fino
Saturday 01 October, 2011, 1:46 PM
Parts of this chapter made me think Raymond Chandler, Humphrey Bogart - I love all the old detective films. I could feel the cold, and the heat ( so your title really works!). It conjured up images of dark streets, despair, desolation, secrets and lies. At the moment I have black and white in my head - I can't see any colours yet - but that is a compliment to your writing and I know when the colour comes it will be vivid. Maxim is a very interesting hero and Jane comes across as determined, brave but I suspect all oozy and soft at the centre. I think this story is probably very much in the vein of a lot of the thrillers/suspense novels that you see in the bookshops- they seem to be mainly written by men although I don't claim to be an expert as it's my husband who reads them!. In my humble opinion to read one by a female writer with these two characters, a strong story and underlying romantic tension is a very attractive concept. I want to know what happens next and who Maxim really is......You have set your scene really really well and I enjoyed this. Many thanks and I hope you do well with it.
#7 | Report this comment
Jane Appold
Saturday 01 October, 2011, 2:09 AM
Very impressive! I love the plot and the characters have me wanting to read more! Good luck!
#6 | Report this comment
MF Gillan
Friday 30 September, 2011, 10:20 PM
Really interesting chapter - good luck x
#5 | Report this comment
Christine Elaine Black
Friday 30 September, 2011, 6:59 PM
I like a non traditional hero. Your humour shines through in this piece with Gorky's comments like 'Abby Lincoln', 'Miss America', etc. I was hoping for a little more sexual tension once the conversation in the rain was resolved..... patience is a virtue they say.
Best of luck. :):)
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Sue Child
Friday 30 September, 2011, 3:38 PM
Unique/original/uncliched. I loved it. I hope it goes through too.
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Allyson Armstrong
Friday 30 September, 2011, 10:41 AM
Er yes... Kara I meant show not tell..as you probably realised. BTW that rose machine thingy clicked when I was still dragging it accross to 100%. Second time it's happened. Grrr...
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Allyson Armstrong
Thursday 29 September, 2011, 10:33 PM
This is such a well written piece I could actually see it working as a film script. You've given such an evocative description, I wanted to run off for the old hat scarf and gloves! And your hero is hawwt. I like the way the heroine tries to play it his way when you know she'd really like to punch his face in!
Great dialogue; I was thinking a littte more back story would have been great but then I realised hey! that's what the dialogue is doing. tell not show etc.
Would love to see this go through. You have great style. Good luck.
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